How Feedback Revealed a Different Kind of Leadership Courage

There is this thing we often say we should do to grow ourselves and others - giving and receiving feedback.

I highly recommend it, but want to acknowledge that it is one of the most difficult things to do well.

One way I’ve used feedback as a tool for leadership growth is through upward feedback - where feedback flows from the team to the leader, not the other way around. It is probably one of the hardest feedback sessions to facilitate.

We set clear ground rules around giving objective, respectful feedback. But here is the kicker: if a leader asks for more context, the team member who offered the feedback is expected to explain it directly.
In other words, feedback has to be owned.

If one-to-one feedback feels intimidating, this is easily ten times more so.

And because of that, I want to make space in this article to acknowledge the courage present in every single room I’ve been in. Regardless of why someone finds themselves there, the courage to show up is undeniable.

The Courage to Lean In

Willingness to participate, however, is not the same as willingness to lean in. I’ve seen leaders respond to upward feedback very differently.

Looking back across the sessions I’ve facilitated, I’ve begun to notice a pattern.

There seems to be a connection between a leader’s willingness to lean into vulnerability and what follows. In my experience, leaders who lean into vulnerability tend to be those with a genuine desire to grow - not just individually, but alongside their teams - rather than focusing on how they look as a boss.

If you cannot bear to look imperfect - even briefly - you will struggle to learn, and with it to grow into the leader you respect.

And yet, it took me a while to understand this myself.
Because vulnerability doesn’t always feel like strength in the moment.
For me, that understanding came later - in an unexpected place - and with an unexpected sense of relief.

The Relief of Vulnerability

I first came across the concept of vulnerability watching Brené Brown: The Call to Courage. I had no clue who she is, but the title intrigued me. This was in 2020, when the world was in the thick of Covid. Perhaps I was simply in need of a dose of courage.

Before I knew it, I had been sitting in front of the TV for over an hour. Unexpectedly, this 'dose of courage' ended with tears streaming down my face.

It helped me see courage not as the opposite of vulnerability, but as one and the same.

Looking back now, I suspect those tears came from a sense of relief - the relief of no longer needing to always look strong, polished, older than my age, or as if I had all the answers. I could admit mistakes, look less than ready (still evolving), stay curious, and finally settle the inner debate between trying to be authentic and trying to be competent.

I realised I didn't have to perform strength. That in itself made me more courageous, more daring to stand in my own values, boundaries, strengths, and the phase of life that I was in.

When I think about the leaders I deeply respect, the moments that made them human to me were the moments they acknowledged their struggles and ambivalence. I trust and respect them not because they were without vulnerability, but because they faced challenges with it.

Leaning into vulnerability may be one of the most powerful things you can do if you want to build trust as a leader.

When Vulnerability becomes Too Much

It would be irresponsible for me to advocate vulnerability as courage without acknowledging when it might turn counter-productive.

1. When it shifts the emotional load onto the team
   Leaning into vulnerability can be cathartic for everyone involved, but when a leader does it often to seek reassurance from the team and openly process unresolved anxiety, it can add the burden of emotional regulation onto the shoulders of the team.

2. When it replaces accountability
   Vulnerability can become counter-productive if it legitimizes delaying decisions that need to be made, or is used to soften the consequences of poor judgement. Strong leaders should be able to say "I don't know yet" AND "Let me find out".

3. When timing is 'off'
   A seasoned leader senses when clear priorities and direction is needed. When used at the wrong time, and in the wrong context, vulnerability risk amplifying anxiety rather than calm it. Of course, we do not believe in performative anything, but clarity can come from what still holds true amidst change - values, principles, purpose, and intent.

4. When it (ironically) becomes performative - this is a big one because it is so common
   Maybe a leader came across the same video I did, or this article, and becomes fully convinced that vulnerability is the way to go to build trust. So he behaves in ways that signal vulnerability - shares confessions here and there, uses openness to appear relatable, and says things like "feel free to give me any feedback". Over time, however, people notice that he never changes his behavior, doesn't integrate feedback, avoids difficult conversations, and even at times appear defensive. People are remarkably good at sensing when vulnerability is performed - rather than sincere. Trust can very quickly reach a new low.

The Sweet Spot

These are useful watch-outs, so then it begs the question: What does the sweet spot for vulnerability look like?

It sits where vulnerability is anchored in a genuine desire to serve others - not to discharge emotion, seek validation, or manage perception. In that place, leaders share enough to create clarity, invite contribution, and model learning, while still holding responsibility for direction and outcomes.

The sweet spot is not about saying everything that is true.
It is about sharing what is useful - in service of trust, progress, and the work that needs to be done.

A leader can still choose not to be vulnerable publicly - and that can be the right call. Especially in organisational cultures that do not yet make space for psychological safety, or in systems where such openness would carry unnecessary risk.

When vulnerability is grounded in the right intention and context, it doesn’t weaken leadership - it builds trust - in ways that endure.

An invitation to practise

If vulnerability feels risky to practise in front of others, start somewhere safer.

Many leaders begin by working with a coach - not to perform vulnerability, but to understand how they relate to it, to notice their patterns under pressure, and build the capacity to stay present when things feel uncomfortable.

It is a space with no audience and no scorecards - but not without rigour. A space where leaders don’t have to protect their image in order to learn.

If you’re curious about building this capacity, I'll be honoured to start the conversation with you.